Maori Mysteries Unfold: Why the Kiwi Bird has No Wings, A Folktale From New Zealand - Episode 13 of Fireside Folklore with Hades

[Intro music fades in.] 

Hades: Greetings, treasure hunters of tales tall and epic! You’ve followed your mythical maps and climbed the craggy peaks of wonder to emerge at the thirteenth episode of “Fireside Folklore with Hades”, where we unearth the legends and sagas of yore, illuminating the shadows of ancient myths with the flickering flames of storytelling. I, Hades, your enigmatic and oft misunderstood host, shall lead you through the labyrinth of time, weaving tales of gods and mortals, heroes and monsters. Joining me are my exceptional co-hosts, for I would have nothing less. My unparalleled life companion, Persephone, whose brilliance is more dazzling than the southern stars that crown the night skies of Aotearoa. Not to be forgotten is our fleet-footed nephew Hermes, who serves as the messenger of the gods, and most crucial to me, the psychopomp. If that word makes you pause with hesitation, don’t worry, for it merely means that he acts as a spiritual guide helping us to navigate the dramatic and suspenseful tales from faraway lands. Tonight, our host country is New Zealand, the land shaped by volcanoes and where a coastline is only a stone’s throw away, no matter where you are. So huddle up and let the warmth of the fire soothe your weary heart as the playful dance of the flames paint mesmerizing shadows before your eyes while we listen to the story of “Why the Kiwi Bird Has No Wings”. Friends, let the storytelling begin!

Persephone: Hello everyone! I’m thrilled to be here with you as we take this trip to New Zealand. I didn’t realize you could speak Maori, my love! 

Hades: You give me far too much credit. I’ve encountered souls from all walks of life in my realm, my dear, but I won’t pretend to be fluent in Maori. 

Persephone: If you say so! 

Hades: All right, now before anybody starts getting the wrong idea about my fluency in many languages, Hermes, please tell us what fun facts you have to share about New Zealand. 

Hermes: Absolutely! Here are the fun facts about New Zealand which I chose for the week, but let me tell you! It wasn’t an easy thing to do. 

1.    Voting Rights: did you know that New Zealand was the first self-governing country in the world to give women the right to vote? I know, how cool is that! Way back in 1893, New Zealand passed a law allowing all women over 21 to vote in federal elections. This was more than 25 years before American women got the vote! New Zealand has always been ahead of the curve when it comes to women's equality. Imagine how excited those first Kiwi women voters must have felt, lining up to cast their ballots. Girls, we owe a lot to those trailblazing ladies!

2.    New Zealand's incredible natural landscapes were formed by volcanoes! The North and South Islands have a spine of mountain ranges running down their centers that were created by volcanic activity. In fact, there are some pretty epic active volcanoes still simmering away on the North Island. The volcano Mount Taranaki on the North Island looks totally picture perfect, almost like an artist painted its smooth conical shape. It last erupted in 1775. On the South Island, steam still escapes from the ground high on the mountains around Queenstown from ancient volcanic activity heating underground reservoirs. Keep an eye out next time you're hiking the New Zealand Alps!

3.    Listen up, foodies! New Zealand's location as an island nation with lots of farms means they have access to really unique and tasty ingredients. You've gotta try their green lip mussels, Bluff oysters, and orange roughy fish - so fresh and fabulous! Save room for pavlova too, a sweet meringue cake topped with fruit and cream. And the lamb raised in New Zealand's green pastures melts in your mouth. Be sure to finish any meal with their famous hokey pokey ice cream - feather light vanilla with bits of honeycomb toffee. Yum! 

The Māori people also have a really cool traditional cooking method called a hāngi, which is basically an earth oven! First they dig a big pit and fill it with hot stones. Then in go baskets loaded up with meat, vegetables, and seafood. They cover it with wet sacks and earth. After a few hours of steamy underground cooking, out comes the food with awesome smoky flavors! I'd love to try those tasty hāngi roasted treats. Nowadays they use big metal bins, but you can still see hāngi at Māori celebrations. What an awesome cooking tradition!

Hades: Excellent, Hermes! I’m definitely a fan of hokey pokey ice cream. It’s not an experience to miss! Now, let’s take some time to listen to New Zealand’s national anthems. Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I said anthems because this country has two. First, we’ll be listening to “God Save the Queen”, and then we’ll finish off with “God Defend New Zealand”. 

[National anthems play.] 

Persephone: My love, isn’t “God Save the Queen” the British National Anthem? 

Hades: Indeed, "God Save the Queen" is the British National Anthem, my love. Its inclusion here serves as a nod to New Zealand's colonial past. In contrast, "God Defend New Zealand," also known by its Maori title "Aotearoa," is the anthem that resonates deeply as the country's symbol of independence. Traditionally sung first in Maori and then in English, it represents the nation's acknowledgment of its dual heritage. By honoring New Zealand's rich and complex history, we recognize the full spectrum of the nation's heritage, including the elements that are often overshadowed. As gods who have observed the rise and fall of empires and the interlacing of cultures, we must acknowledge these historical layers." 

Persephone: That's very considerate, Hades. It reflects your profound appreciation for the depth of history and the myriad stories embedded within the world's folklore. 

Hades: Precisely, my maiden of life. And now, let us return to tonight's tale. The story of the Kiwi bird is not merely about how a bird became flightless but is imbued with lessons of sacrifice and humility. This narrative, hailing from the Maori — the indigenous Polynesian people of New Zealand — is saturated with meaning and symbolism, often imparting crucial life teachings. As we bring this legend to life, let us open our hearts to the profound messages it imparts.

Persephone: I always admire your ability to unearth deeper meanings, Hades. It's as if you possess a key to the universe's hidden truths. 

Hades: Well, being the god of the underworld does afford me some unique insights into life... and death. Now, for tonight’s tale, “Why The Kiwi Bird Has No Wings”, we will be joined by Apollo who will be playing the famed kiwi bird, Poseidon playing the lord of the forest, Tanemahuta; Ares will be playing the lord of the birds, Tanehokahoka; Demeter will be playing Tui; Dionysus will be playing Pukeko; and Artemis will be playing the role of Pīpīwharauroa. Long ago before humans walked the earth, in the vibrant forests of New Zealand, something troubling was happening. The trees, once tall and majestic, were beginning to sicken and die. 

Poseidon: I must find out why my children are dying, 

Hades: Tanemahuta, the lord of the forest said with gravity. 

Poseidon: If all of my children sicken and die, it will affect the entire forest. The birds will have no homes. There will be no nuts or fruits for animals to eat. I must find the source of this disease. 

Hades: As Tanemahuta began to examine the trees, he noticed that there were scores of insects gnawing through the branches and devouring the leaves of the trees, leading to their destruction. 

Poseidon: Something must be done, but what? 

Hades: After pondering on the problem for a time, Tanemahuta decided to ask his brother, Tanehokahoka, the lord of the birds, for his help. 

Poseidon: Brother Tanehokahoka, I require your assistance. The insects are eating the trees, and if nothing is done about it, the forest will be irreversibly damaged. 

Ares: Hmm, you’re right, brother. Something must be done to protect the trees. Perhaps one of my children would be willing to assist. Why don’t you call out to them for aid? 

Poseidon: Good idea! Birds, regal and noble birds, the trees are dying because the insects are devouring the trees. Who among you will descend from the treetops to live on the forest floor, to fight off these insects and save your home?

Hades: Not a single bird responded. To be on the forest floor meant living in the dark, under the canopy of the leaves made by the large trees. To live on the forest floor meant never being able to enjoy the sunshine. And to be on the forest floor meant walking rather than flying. When none of the birds volunteered, Tanehokahoka decided to address them individually. 

Ares: Tui, will you come down from the trees and help to protect your home? 

Demeter: Oh no no no! You see, when I look down upon the forest floor, all I see is darkness. I’m afraid of the dark and could never leave the sunshine behind. Let someone else go. 

Ares: Ugh! Well then, Pukeko, my child, will you come down from the trees to help protect the forest from the insects? 

Dionysus: Me? Oh, no no no! I couldn’t possibly dirty my beautiful feet. Nor would I wish to get them wet! 

Ares: Hey there, Pīpīwharauroa, so industriously building your nest, will you come down from the trees and protect the forest so that all might flourish here? 

Artemis: I am busy, don’t you see? I have a nest to build and I shall build it for my family alone. Let someone who doesn’t have the responsibility of taking a family perform such tasks. 

Ares: Will none of you step up and help to protect your home? How very disappointing!

Hades: Just as Tanemahuta and Tanehokahoka were getting ready to give up in despair, one bird, who hadn’t been given a second glance due to his size, spoke up. 

Apollo: Lord Tanemahuta? Lord Tanehokahoka? I’ll protect the trees and our home. 

Ares: You, Kiwi? Are you sure? 

Apollo: Yes, my Lord. 

Poseidon: We ask much of you, we know. This will mean you’ll have to live on the forest floor. It will mean you won’t be able to fly any longer. You’ll also need to sacrifice your beautifully colored feathers. 

Apollo: I understand, Lord Tanemahuta, but if this means my children and my children’s children will be safe and have a place they may call their home, I will happily live on the forest floor and protect the trees from the insects. 

Ares: Ah, Kiwi Bird, you are the only one I can proudly call my child. For your compassion and courage, you will become the most beloved bird in this land. And as for you, 

 Hades: Tanehokahoka said with disgust as he looked at the tui, 

Ares: Since you were too much of a coward to help, you shall wear two white feathers at your throat, forever bearing the mark of a coward. And you, Pukeko, since you did not wish to get your feet wet on the forest floor, you will forever be exiled to live in the swamp. And as for you, Pīpīwharauroa, since you were too busy building a nest to help protect the forest, you will never build another nest again. From now on, you will be doomed to wander until you find the nests of other birds where you must lay your eggs. 

Hades: And so, the Kiwi bird became the guardian of the forest floor, his small size belying the greatness of his heart. As the Kiwi walked among the trees, his once-colorful feathers turned a muted brown, blending seamlessly with the earth. His wings, once capable of flight, transformed, becoming vestigial, a mere memory of what once was. Yet, in his sacrifice, the Kiwi found a new purpose, a noble calling that allowed many generations of birds and other woodland creatures to thrive in the forest. And, as promised, the kiwi bird became beloved by the people of the land. It has been featured on a one-dollar coin as well as the postage stamp. New Zealanders even refer to themselves as kiwis. 

Persephone: What a beautiful story! That one actually made me cry. 

Hades: I’m glad you enjoyed it, my dear. 

Hermes: This tale gives being grounded a whole new meaning. 

Hades: [Chuckles] Hermes! Now Persephone, my dear, what have you chosen as a recipe this week?

Persephone: Today, my love, I wanted to surprise you by making our recipe Hokey Pokey Ice Cream!

Zeus: Did you finally get an ice cream maker that doesn’t require a hand crank? 

Persephone: Well no but … 

Hermes: Uncle Hades, you’re still using that old thing? Dial-up and now this? 

Hades: Ah, Hermes, your jests are as swift as your feet! Yes, it's true, I still hold onto some... old-fashioned items. You know, it's hard to let go of the classics. Dial-up and hand-crank ice cream makers, they have a certain charm, a soul that modern technology lacks. 

Persephone: You didn’t think he got those muscles by using an automatic ice cream maker, do you? 

Hades: [Chuckling] Persephone, my dear, perhaps that's a bit too much information for our listeners. While it's true that this ancient contraption doubles as my personal gym, we don't want to give away all my underworldly secrets, do we?

Persephone: [Giggles] You're right, my love. Let's just say it's part of the mystery of Hades.

Hermes: Mystery or not, it's impressive. Who knew dessert-making could be such a divine workout?

Hades: Indeed, Hermes. But let's shift our focus back to the art of ice cream making. After all, we're here to stir up some culinary magic, not just flex muscles, however impressive they might be.

Persephone: All right, listeners! You heard the stern and uncompromising lord of shadows! Let’s get to churning! As you probably guessed, we’re whipping up a delightful treat straight from New Zealand – Hokey Pokey Ice Cream. And guess what? We're making everything from scratch! And just for fun, we’ll be using one of my husband’s favorite methods: the coffee can method which was left behind in the Middle Ages for more modern, and less torturous, methods. 

Here is what you will need: 

·         2 cups heavy cream

• 2 cups half-and-half
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract 

Here’s what you’ll need to do. 

1.    In a large bowl, whisk together the heavy cream, half-and-half, sugar, and vanilla extract until the sugar is dissolved.

1. Pour the mixture into a clean, empty 1-pound coffee can. Seal the lid tightly with duct tape.
2. Place the small can inside a larger 3-pound coffee can.
3. Fill the space between the two cans with ice and rock salt.
4. Seal the larger can and roll it back and forth for about 20 minutes or until the ice cream is formed.

Now here’s how you make the honeycomb. Ingredients needed are as follows: 

·         1 cup caster sugar

• 1/2 cup golden syrup
• 1 tablespoon baking soda 

Here are the instructions for the honeycomb.

1.    Prepare a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2.    In a saucepan, mix sugar and golden syrup. Heat until it melts into a syrup (about 5 minutes).

3.    Once it's bubbling and turns golden brown, add baking soda and whisk quickly.

4.    Pour onto the parchment paper and let it sit for 15 minutes, then break into bite-sized pieces.

Now, for the magical part! Let's mix those delightful honeycomb pieces into our homemade ice cream. Mix the honeycomb pieces into the freshly made vanilla ice cream, reserving some for topping.

Serve immediately for a soft-serve texture or freeze for a firmer consistency.

And don't worry if it's not perfect on the first try. Unlike the stern ruler of the Underworld here, I’m all about fun and sweetness! If you’d like to send photos of your delicious creations or have any questions at all, please E-mail me at Persephone@firesidefolklorewithhades.com. Enjoy! 

Hades: And before Zeus takes over with one of his 'divine' sponsorships, let's remember, the best things in life are handmade... or hand-churned, in this case. Hopefully Zeus' sponsor isn't selling any modern ice cream makers, or I might just have to have a word with him.

Zeus [with a chuckle]: Don’t worry, brother, today's sponsor is as timeless as your love for ancient gadgets. Now, let's give a thunderous welcome to our sponsor … Circe's Shape-Shifting Elixirs – the ultimate solution for anyone who has ever dreamed of exploring the world from a whole new perspective. Imagine the wonder of swimming through the ocean as a dolphin, or experiencing the serene night as an owl. With Circe's Elixirs, you can transform into any animal you desire, experiencing their world firsthand with all the magic of ancient enchantments.

But, dear listeners, as with all powerful magic, there are a few... let's call them 'quirky side effects.' Sip the potion to become a mighty lion, and you might find yourself with an irresistible urge to chase after laser pointers. Or, should you choose the grace of a gazelle, be prepared for an unexpected fondness for high jumps at the most inopportune moments. And for those who wish to soar as an eagle, remember to land before sunset, lest you forget how to revert to your human form!

As a special offer, each elixir is accompanied by a complimentary enchanted mirror. Why, you ask? Well, so you can see just how fabulous you look with your new furry or feathery appearance!

But wait, there's more! For our dedicated listeners, we're including a magical amulet that guarantees a smooth transformation back to human form – because, let's face it, sometimes you need to be ready for that unexpected Zoom call!

So, what are you waiting for? Embrace the wild, the wondrous, and the whimsical with Circe's Shape-Shifting Elixirs. Transform your day from mundane to magical, today!

And finally, a gentle disclaimer: Circe's Shape-Shifting Elixirs are not responsible for any unintended consequences such as forgetting your native language, suddenly adopting animal habits, or an inexplicable craving for treats. Use with joy and a sense of adventure!

Hades: I must admit, the idea of forgetting one's native tongue does sound like a respite. Perhaps I could forget how to say 'yes' to these sponsorships. If we used my wealth to keep this podcast afloat, we’d have a much more streamlined show. 

Zeus: And miss out on the opportunity to see you smile? Never, brother!

Hades: Hmpf. All right now, Zeus, what’s the lightning round for tonight? 

Zeus: Check this out, listeners! I’ll be asking three questions about today’s episode. The first one to get the correct answers in to me will win a membership to Curiosity.com, where you’ll find loads of documentaries, maybe even about New Zealand and their famed kiwi bird! To participate, E-mail me at Zeus@firesidefolklorewithhades.com with the subject line “Lightning Round with Zeus, Episode 13”. Please include your first name (or pseudonym) and where you’re calling from so we can congratulate you on your win during a future episode. Are you ready? Let’s go!

1.    In what year were women given the right to vote in New Zealand?

2.    Pukeko refused to help save the forest from the insects. Why? 

3.    What is Hokey Pokey ice cream? 

[Outro music fades in.] 

Hades: Well, that’s all we have for you tonight, folks. Next time, we’ll be taking a trip to Mexico where we’ll be telling the ghostly tale of “Buried Treasure”. We hope you join us with your cocoa as we tell this chilling tale.

Persephone: Goodnight everyone!

Hermes: Goodnight everyone! Stay curious!

[Outro music fades out.]