The Twelfth Labor of Heracles, or Why Hera and Hades Are At Odds

00:00 – 00:11

[Time machine] 

00:12 - 00:21

Eurystheus: My lady, Heracles has already completed 11 of the labors, which includes 2 additional ones I gave him for cheating. I'm afraid he won't be so easily killed.

00:22 - 00:50

Hera: Why do all of the sons of my husband's mistresses always have so many superpowers? This is a disgrace. All I want to do is kill this wretch and be done with it. Wait a moment, kill him. I see it now. We've been going about this the wrong way, Eurystheus. All we have to do is send him to the Underworld before his time. My brother Hades isn't known for letting anyone leave once they enter his domain. If we set Heracles with the task of bringing Hades' beloved Cerberus to the Upper World, then it should be more than

00:50 - 00:57

Hera: enough to raise his ire. Indeed, he may kill Heracles on the spot, finishing what we couldn't accomplish for all these years.

00:57 - 01:07

Eurystheus: Are you sure, my lady? Would it really be wise for us to take that risk? bbbWouldn't Lord Hades endeavor to find out who made Heracles go down to the Underworld to retrieve Cerberus?

01:07 - 01:22

Hera: Oh, don't worry about that. My brother would be so incensed by Heracles' impudence that he would strike first, And after the hero's death, there would be no point in asking questions. He would be happy to have another soul to add to his collection.

01:23 - 01:32

Eurystheus: I think you underestimate Hades, your majesty. Just because he rules the realm of the dead doesn't mean he inherently wishes to bring about death needlessly.

01:32 - 01:52

Hera: My dear Eurystheus, there is no risk when it comes to getting rid of Heracles. My influence will ensure Hades's wrath is directed solely at that insolent nephew of mine. Besides, though you might try to protest or change my mind, You know how powerful I am as a goddess, and how mighty my wrath will be if you defy me.

01:52 - 02:02

Eurystheus: My queen has a devious mind, as cunning as she is beautiful. Very well. I shall task Heracles with bringing Cerberus to the upper world, but I fear the repercussions if he succeeds.

02:03 - 02:11

Heracles: What? You want me to bring the Hound of Hades to you? Are you mad, Eurystheus? Have the fates finally snipped your thread of sense?

02:12 - 02:18

Eurystheus: It is the twelfth and final labor I set before you, Heracles. Bring me Cerberus, the three-headed guardian of the underworld.

02:19 - 02:40

Heracles: I have faced Hydras, captured wild boars, and even cleaned the Augean stables, but this, this is beyond madness. I cannot just march into the underworld and expect to walk out alive, especially not with the Hound of Hades at my side. And if I succeed, do you think that Hades will leave you unscathed? This is worse than Phaethon trying to drive the chariot of the sun or Icarus flying too closely to the sun.

02:40 - 02:47

Eurystheus: I didn't say it would be easy, but it is necessary. Prove your valor and loyalty to the gods 1 last time.

02:48 - 02:54

Heracles: Very well. I will descend into the Underworld, but if I return with Cerberus, I expect to be freed from your service forever.

02:55 - 03:01

Eurystheus: Of course you have my word. Now go, and may the gods be with you, or at least those gods who want you to succeed.

03:01 – 03:07: Charon, ferryman of the dead, I Heracles, son of Zeus, request passage across the river Styx.

03:08 – 03:14

Charon: Heracles? What business does the greatest of mortal heroes have in the Underworld? 

03:15 - 03:24

Heracles: I have been tasked with retrieving Cerberus by my cousin, King Eurystheus. It seems I must prove my bravery and strength by bringing the Hound of Hades to the Upperworld.

03:24 - 03:36

Charon: Am I hearing you correctly? You intend to seek an audience with Lord Hades and ask to bring Cerberus, the Guardian of the Underworld, to King Eurystheus? Then do what exactly?

03:37 - 03:41

Heracles: That's the million dollar question, isn't it? I wish I had an answer to your question, ferryman.

03:41 - 03:46

Charon: No matter what you've heard about my boss, Hades, you can assume it's all a load of crock.

03:46 - 03:47

Heracles: What do you mean?

03:47 - 04:01

Charon: For 1 thing, he loves Cerberus and would never let any harm come to him. For another, he's a reasonable god, despite what people say about his temper. If you approach him with respect and explain your predicament, he may be willing to help you.

04:01 - 04:06

Heracles: You really think so? I had assumed he would strike me down the moment I set foot in his realm.

04:06 - 04:24

Charon: Oh, and I suppose that's what this King Eurystheus thought as well, when he set you this impossible task. But if you are respectful and appeal to my Lord's sense of justice, he might see reason. You're lucky you chose this time of year to come. Persephone is here, and she has a way of softening his heart.

04:24 - 04:30

Heracles: Thank you, Charon. I will heed your advice. Now let us cross the Styx and see what fate awaits me in the halls of Hades.

04:31 - 04:48

Hades: Well, well, well. If it isn't the mighty Heracles, son of my dear brother Zeus, to what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from such a tempestuous nephew? It was you who succumbed to a bout of divine madness and slew your family, wasn't it? Are you here to ask me to release your kin?

04:49 - 04:52

Heracles: Lord Hades, I come with a much more audacious request.

04:53 - 04:57

Hades: More audacious? What could possibly be more audacious than asking to resurrect the dead?

04:58 - 05:05

Heracles: My cousin, King Eurystheus, has tasked me with bringing your loyal guardian, Cerberus, to the Upper World as my final labor.

05:06 - 05:11

Hades: Bring Cerberus to the Upper World? What insolence! Do you know what you're asking?

05:11 - 05:22

Persephone: Now, Hades, my love, let's hear him out. Heracles, you must be aware that this request is highly disrespectful. Cerberus is not just a guardian, but a beloved part of our realm.

05:22 - 05:33

Heracles: Lady Persephone, I am aware and truly it was never my intent to offend you or Lord Hades. This task was assigned to me by King Eurystheus and I have no choice but to obey or face eternal dishonor.

05:34 - 05:37

Hades: And what if I refuse? What will you do then, nephew?

05:37 - 05:49

Heracles: Then I shall humbly serve you, Lord Hades, for I know that you are a just god and will not punish me out of spite. I would rather spend eternity in your service than face the shame of failure or the wrath of Hera forevermore.

05:50 - 06:22

Hades: Well, nephew, you certainly have a way with words. I must admit, I am intrigued by this situation. You have caught me on a good day and seeing as how you have not acted with the usual cheekiness most heroes adopt, I shall humor your request on 2 conditions. First, you must not use any weapons when you subdue Cerberus. Second, you must personally return him to me unharmed, after this foolish stunt King Eurystheus has decided to pull comes to an end. And if Cerberus decides to eat the king up for his insolence, you must not stop him.

06:22 - 06:28

Heracles: I humbly accept your conditions, Lord Hades. I promise you, no harm will come to Cerberus at my hands.

06:28 - 06:35

Hades: And remember, Heracles, This is no common beast you deal with. He is a loyal servant and friend. Treat him with respect.

06:36 - 06:39

Heracles: I shall, Lord Hades. Thank you for granting me this opportunity.

06:40 - 06:45

Eurystheus: By the gods, Heracles, you've actually done it. You've brought the three-headed monster to us.

[Growls.] 

06:45 - 06:48

Heracles: Monster? Eurystheus, meet Hades' beloved pet, Cerberus.

06:49 - 06:51

Eurystheus: Pet? That's no pet. That's a savage beast.

06:51 - 07:03

Heracles: I wouldn't upset him if I were you, Eurystheus. If Cerberus decides to eat you up for your insolence, I won't stop him. That was 1 of the conditions I had to agree to before my uncle would allow him to come to the Upperworld with me.

07:03 - 07:06

Eurystheus: Right. Let's... Let's get this over with, shall we?

07:06 - 07:09

Heracles: Am I released from your service? Have I paid for my crimes?

07:10 - 07:15

Eurystheus: Yes, now that you have brought that... Cerberus, here I release you from your labors.

07:15 - 07:23

Hades: Bravo, Heracles. I must admit you never ceased to amaze me with your heroics. And I am grateful that my dear Cerberus has returned unscathed.

07:24 - 07:27

Heracles: Thank you, Lord Hades. It wouldn't be fair to have caused him any harm.

07:28 - 07:48

Hades: I appreciate your fairness. Something that is quite rare amongst heroes. As you fulfilled your end of the bargain, I shall offer you a blessing as a token of my appreciation. Once you are placed upon a funeral pyre, you will become a god living amongst us in peace. Well, except for formal family dinners. Those might still be a bit contentious.

07:48 - 07:52

Heracles: Lord Hades, I'm humbled and honored. You have my sincerest gratitude.

07:53 – 07:58 

Hades: Henceforth, you will no longer be merely a hero, Heracles. You will be a god among mortals... And pets. 

07:59 - 08:08

Hades: Eurystheus, I demand an explanation for your audacity in sending Heracles to retrieve my beloved Cerberus.

08:09 - 08:14

Eurystheus: Lord Hades, I meant no disrespect. It was merely a test of Heracles' strength and courage.

08:14 - 08:23

Hades: Do not lie to me, mortal. I am the god of the underworld and I can sense the deceit in your words. Tell me the truth or face my wrath.

08:24 - 08:33

Eurystheus: Forgive me Lord Hades. It was Hera who commanded me to set this task for Heracles. She hoped that you would become so enraged that you would kill him on sight.

08:33 - 08:39

Hades: Hera, my own sister used me as a pawn in her jealous schemes. This will not stand.

08:41 - 08:45

Hera: Ah, another day, another plot to rid the world of that wretched Heracles.

08:45 - 08:50

Hades: Hera, how dare you attempt to manipulate me into doing your dirty work?

08:50 - 08:55

Hera: Oh, Hades, I merely saw an opportunity and seized it. Don't take it so personally.

08:56 - 09:09

Hades: You used me, your own brother, as a mere tool in your petty vengeance. I will not tolerate such disrespect. From this day forward you are no longer welcome in my domain. Consider yourself persona non grata in the Underworld.

09:10 - 09:16

Hera: As if I would ever want to set foot in that dreary realm of yours. Go ahead, banish me. It means nothing to me.

09:16 - 09:23

Hades: Don't worry, I already have. Every shadow will repel you should you ever dare set foot on the far bank of the Styx.

09:27 - 09:39

Hera: My brother is a fool. I'll never have any reason to pay his dreary realm a visit, I can get along without him. Indeed, I'm sure he'll be the 1 groveling and seeking my assistance soon enough.

09:42 - 10:25

Ares: Well listeners, that concludes the story of why my uncle Hades is at odds with my mother. Don't worry, I'm planning to personally see to it that they make up. And before you start getting any ideas about me being some heroic god who's on the path of redemption, I'll set the record straight. It's because I want to hear this story about the golden pail and return to our crusade to highlight the folklore of Palestine and all those countries who are fighting for freedom and justice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find out exactly what is going on so that, with any luck, we'll be able to return to our folklore next week. Enjoy the sounds of Mount Olympus.